If You Love Me, Why Am I Dying?
by heystella
Summary: He hated showing people his vulnerabilities, but maybe - just this once - it would be alright. Kurtbastian, part of the 1920s verse. Mature content.


**Notes:** Takes place directly after The Devil in White. God, this part took forever to write. Hope you enjoy!  
><strong>Rating:<strong> NC17  
><strong>Warnings:<strong> sex, language, smoking  
><strong>Summary: <strong>He hated showing people his vulnerabilities, but maybe - just this once - it would be alright. Kurtbastian, part of the 1920s verse. Mature content.

* * *

><p>The place took longer to empty out than Kurt had expected. Lucy and the other performers were a hit - so much that the patrons tried to lure the girls into the rest rooms for some one-on-one time. They were mostly successful. Mister Schue had left some time during the night, as he was prone to do. That left Kurt with most of the clean-up, which was neither easy nor pleasant... but if he didn't do it, no one else would.<p>

By the time he was finished, his pocketwatch read a quarter to three in the morning. Kurt sank down onto the single chair behind the bar and rested his head in his arms, closing his eyes. God, he was dead tired. He considered going to sleep right there - just for a couple of hours. But the idea of his own bed, small and humble as it was - as opposed to the hard and narrow cot in the back room - was motivation enough to at least try to get home.

That and Ms Sylvester from upstairs liked to open the taffy shop bright and early. She wouldn't be too happy if she came around and Kurt was asleep downstairs with the key.

Yeah - sleeping here was definitely a bad idea. Kurt sat up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes, and made his rounds, switching lights off and taking the keys. He slowly made his way up the stairs, locking the speakeasy door behind him, and walked to the front taffy shop door.

As soon as he emerged, the cold night air bit at his skin, and he shivered violently. Best to hurry home. The last thing he wanted to do was catch cold. He blew on his hands and rubbed them together before locking the door, lifting up the planter near the window and placing the key underneath.

He turned - and shrieked.

A figure leaned against the wall next to the door. He was tall, wore a hat and thick overcoat. Cigarette embers glowed near his fingertips, and he took one final drag before dropping it to the ground. "Hell's bells, what took you? Getting some nookie in the back room?"

Who - oh. The moonlight shone on a familiar sharp nose and thin lips. A pair of light colored eyes stared back at him. It was just that fed from earlier. Kurt sighed. "You gave me a fright there." He paused and glared at Sebastian. "And no, I wasn't getting any nookie in the back room. I was by myself."

A lewd smile curled Sebastian's lips. "That so?"

Kurt rolled his eyes. "Not in the way you're thinking."

"Shame. I liked the mental picture."

"What are you still doing here? I thought you left hours ago."

"And what kind of guy would I be if I didn't escort a pretty thing like you home?"

It was unfortunate that Sebastian felt the need to talk. He really was a handsome guy - but as soon as he opened his mouth, it was like the illusion of beauty instantly fell away. "Treating me like a woman isn't helping you win this game."

Sebastian raised an eyebrow. "Who said anything about a game?"

"Isn't that what this is?"

"You think every guy who's interested in you's playing a game? Criminy, some self image you've got."

Kurt flushed and shifted his weight. So he had a cripplingly low self image. Who was Sebastian to judge him for that? "I'm beat," he said, looking away. "Just go."

He turned away, prepared to leave, but Sebastian's words stopped him. "I've been standing out here almost three hours, Ethel. Don't I at least get to take you home?"

"That what you want?" Kurt asked, turning to face Sebastian, his tone sharp. "To take me home? And then what? Cash? Should I spend the night? I bet you can afford it."

Something in Sebastian's eyes flickered. "You would do that?"

Kurt crossed his arms defensively, thinking of the couple times patrons had slipped him bills for some extra service in the men's rest room. "I'm not proud of it, but rent money can be hard to gather sometimes."

Sebastian was quiet at first. His eyes showed everything from want to pity to anger to curiosity along with several others that Kurt couldn't name. He stepped closer and smoothed a hand over Kurt's overcoat lapel.

"Spend the night with me," he said finally, eyes dark and determined.

The shiver that made its way down Kurt's spine was undeniable, but his heart felt like it had sunk into his stomach. So much for rest tonight. "Fine. Lead the way."

* * *

><p>The trek back to Sebastian's apartment was completely silent. Not that Kurt minded - he wasn't the anxious nervous type who absolutely needed conversation - but he was accustomed to small talk at least. Sebastian did not say a single word as they walked.<p>

His apartment building was in a new area six blocks from the speakeasy. Kurt whistled, impressed. "Very nice." Sebastian shrugged and led him up to the fourth floor.

They had only just managed to step inside the apartment when Sebastian pressed Kurt up against the door, his mouth hot on his neck. His lips were cracked and dry and hot and cool all at once. His fingers made quick work of the buttons on Kurt's chest, shedding the overcoat onto the foyer floor.

Kurt's eyes slid shut as Sebastian peppered openmouthed kisses all over his jaw, his neck. His hat, though - god it was scratching his skin. He ripped the hat from Sebastian's head and threw it... somewhere, not quite caring where it landed.

"That was my favorite hat," Sebastian hissed, trailing his lips back up. His teeth grazed the bottom of Kurt's right earlobe and bit down hard.

"Ass," Kurt growled, reaching up to grasp the back of Sebastian's head, fingers curled over his scalp.

Sebastian smirked. "How's about you shut up and show me what you can do?" He pressed a lingering kiss to the patch of skin just below Kurt's earlobe next to his jaw - and another to his pulse, and another and another - but never to his mouth, and Kurt was glad for that. _That_ was too intimate - too sacred. He unfastened the buttons on his own overcoat and dropped it to the floor.

The short journey to the bed was not an elegant affair, with bruising kisses to pulse points and biting down on earlobes - it was more a dominance display than anything else. Kurt's neck would be covered with marks tomorrow, he was sure - at that thought, he scowled and pried Sebastian's tie from his neck, nearly whipping him in the face as they fell down to the bed together.

"Christ you're eager," Sebastian groaned and tore Kurt's shirt open, sending buttons flying in every direction.

Kurt's eyes went wide as saucers. "You animal!"

Sebastian chuckled, amused. "Payback for my hat." He swung a leg over and straddled Kurt's hips, pushing the sleeves of the shirt down his arms, easing the undershirt over his head as well. Only when Kurt was naked from the waist up did his hands touch the smooth, pale skin of his chest. Trailing down, down, tracing each of his ribs and pressing his fingers into the soft lines of his stomach.

His eyes were a curious combination of reverent and hungry. He licked his lips. "You're gorgeous."

Kurt rolled his eyes. "That's sweet. But do tell me what you're planning to do about my shirt. I don't take baths in dough like you do."

Sebastian laughed. "I'm about to pound you into the mattress and you're still thinking about clothes? Amazing."

"Such a lovely way with words," Kurt said dryly, but it didn't stop the flush from creeping to his cheeks. His eyes shut as Sebastian licked at the base of his collarbone.

"So that's how far down it goes," Sebastian murmured against his skin. "I've been thinking about it - about you, about what was under your clothes - since I made you blush last night."

"Is... that so?" Kurt breathed, cursing how weak he sounded. He could feel it - the tension in his groin, steadily growing harder and harder.

Sebastian didn't answer. Instead he ducked his head, lips latching onto a nipple, and this time Kurt couldn't keep the gasp from escaping his lips. Sebastian's tongue worked quickly, swirling the nub with expert care until it hardened, worrying it with his teeth and rolling Kurt's other nipple between his fingertips. His free hand skimmed Kurt's side, just barely touching him, trailing down down until he felt the hard bone of his hip. There his hand stopped, gripping so tight it would bruise the pale skin beneath.

He sat up with a smirk, his thumb still toying with Kurt's other nipple. "Sensitive?"

"Very," Kurt managed just before Sebastian replaced his thumb with his mouth. His head rolled back, eyes shut. His hands came round to Sebastian's scalp, pulling him close for just a moment before trailing down to unfasten the buttons on Sebastian's shirt. The taller man was only too eager to help, shrugging the shirt off as soon as Kurt had pushed it down to his elbows. He pulled away from Kurt's chest and and pulled his own undershirt over his head.

Kurt took advantage of the quick moment he had and switched their positions, pressing Sebastian down to the mattress while sliding down to straddle his thighs. Sebastian's chest and stomach were built a little sturdier, a little harder than Kurt's. The expanse of tanned skin with smatterings of freckles was begging to be touched, his nipples already dark and taut with tension. Hot under Kurt's fingertips - so willing, nearly ready.

His hands continued their exploration until he noticed a thin, long scar next to Sebastian's navel, the flesh there white and faded. He couldn't help it, his fingers traced it from end to end, noting how it ridged upward from the surrounding skin.

"A little memento I got a couple years back when I was working in the violent crime unit," Sebastian explained. "The sonofabitch pulled a knife on me."

Kurt winced. "I can't imagine."

"It hurt like all hell at the time," Sebastian admitted. "But now I barely remember it's there."

Kurt only hummed in response and leaned forward, pressing a kiss to the scar, only regretting doing so after the fact. It was easily the most intimate thing he'd ever done for someone. To avoid questions he trailed his lips a bit across and dipped his tongue into Sebastian's navel, his hands quickly undoing the fasteners on Sebastian's trousers.

He managed to push the trousers down to his ankles, dragging his tongue along the inner thigh, his hands grasping at Sebastian's hardness. His thumbs and fore fingers circled the width, his wrists twisting back and forth in undulating movements as he pumped in steady rhythm.

Sebastian gasped, his hands fisting in the sheets. "Oh my god."

The deep, gutteral rasp to Sebastian's voice sent a wave of heat tugging at the very bottom of Kurt's belly. He shut his eyes, just for a moment, and ground his hips into Sebastian's thighs, allowing his fingers to slowly drift downward and cup his balls. He leaned forward, mouthing at the hip bones, tracing the lines with the tip of his tongue down, down, down and took Sebastian into his mouth.

The sheer noises escaping Sebastian's throat were almost obscene enough to make Kurt blush - if only he wasn't doing something even _more_ obscene with his own mouth. He hollowed his cheeks, pressed his tongue against the underside of Sebastian's erection, tracing the vein there with slow, teasing flicks. Sebastian's fingers curled into his scalp, and Kurt nearly pulled off to tell him not to touch his hair - but it was half past three in the morning, and assuming Sebastian wasn't completely callous and threw him out into the streets right after this was done, he planned on staying here at least for another hour or two. There was no one to impress now, not until he returned to work - so he did nothing about the hand tangled in his hair, though the idea of _mussed, untidy, unneat_ still prodded at him from the back of his brain.

His erection now straining painfully against the front of his trousers, he reached down to palm himself over the fabric, hoping to ease his tension - but it only increased when Sebastian tugged roughly at his hair and moaned his name. Encouraged by the response, Kurt drew back a little, teasing the head with his lips just before sinking back down until his nose was buried in the dark hair at the base of Sebastian's cock.

Sebastian hissed, his back arching. "God you're good at that."

Kurt only smirked in response - to the best of his ability anyway - and sucked, drawing his lips in and bobbing his head over Sebastian's cock. His hand slipped underneath his own still-fastened trousers, his flesh hot and eager. He noticed his partner watching him, and in a moment of boldness he pulled away from Sebastian with a pop and sat up, grinding his hips down. One hand down his pants, rubbing in fast circles and the other trailing gently down tanned, lean chest, Kurt stared straight at Sebastian and licked the corner of his lip, the taste of hot flesh and pre-come fresh on his tongue.

Sebastian's pupils blew wide, the black nearly covering his green irises. He sat up so fast it almost made Kurt's head spin, uttering a string of curses and hurriedly undoing the fasteners to Kurt's trousers.

When Kurt made no move to push his trousers down, still just palming himself, Sebastian glared. "You want to be helpful?"

Kurt bit back a smile. "I don't know, I'm pretty comfortable right now."

Sebastian growled and pushed a laughing Kurt onto his back, bringing the trousers down his legs and dropping them to the floor. He pressed toward Kurt only to get the wind nearly knocked out of him as Kurt kicked him back into a sitting position.

"Watch it," he warned, crawling back onto Sebastian's lap. "I don't like being overpowered."

"Then stop being a fucking tease," Sebastian answered, wrapping an arm around Kurt's waist. He brought the fingers of his free hand to his mouth and sucked, coating them with his saliva.

"For someone who was begging to take me home, you're not being very grateful," Kurt replied, closing his eyes at the feeling of Sebastian's hand trailing down to his rear. A single slick finger circled his puckered hole before sliding in inch by inch, and again Sebastian's lips found purchase at his neck, sucking and nipping at the pulse point right underneath his ear. Kurt inhaled sharply and shifted his hips a bit as the finger thrust in, out, in again, twisting and teasing. It took some getting used to - he'd only been fingered once, when he was eighteen. Otherwise it was usually all about the other men - he'd suck them off until they came and they would leave the restroom hanging their heads in shame as they returned to the bar to get fried.

But this - this was different somehow.

He wasn't an idiot, of course. Sebastian didn't care about him, not really - but he was gentle enough to make it seem like he wanted Kurt to enjoy this as much as he did. He was either considerate or a really good liar - Kurt couldn't be bothered to find out which one it was. Didn't matter anyway.

When he added another finger, Kurt whimpered, digging his knees into Sebastian's sides, the heat tugging at his belly sharper and harder with each twist, each thrust, each tiny movement. His fingers hit a sensitive spot then - Kurt's sight went black for a moment, and he gasped, slumping forward to dig his fingernails into Sebastian's shoulder.

"Can't - I can't last much longer," he muttered, whimpering as Sebastian took his fingers out - but the loss of contact didn't last long. A moment later he felt the bluntness of Sebastian's erection pressing up into his opening, tight and hot, and he slowly sank down until Sebastian was buried to the hilt.

Noticing the grimace on Kurt's face, Sebastian drew him closer, their stomachs flush against each other.

"What's wrong?"

Kurt squeezed his eyes shut, leaning against Sebastian and moving his hips in small circles to try and soothe the discomfort. "We could have done a little more prep, is all," he laughed weakly. "I'm not... dying, but let's just take it slow at first?"

Sebastian said nothing, dropped a kiss to Kurt's collarbone, and gently rocked against him. He looped both arms around the small of his back, letting Kurt set the pace.

When gripping his shoulders started to feel too distant and forced, he let his hands slide around Sebastian's neck, pulling him close like a lover. He moaned, feeling himself stretching out bit by bit with each back and forth, and he shimmied his hips in a silent message to move faster. Sebastian seemed to understand, and he gradually picked up the pace, pushing into Kurt harder, deeper with each upward thrust.

They found their rhythm, bodies rubbing and slapping and moving together, nothing spoken between them except for a groan from Sebastian here and a gasp from Kurt there. Kurt hadn't been lying when he said he was close - holding Sebastian and Sebastian holding him like this, jerking up into him, Kurt's skin sensitive to every single sensation, his ass squeezing around Sebastian's cock with each downward movement - every touch only brought the pressure in his balls tighter and tighter -

- and it finally snapped free and he came hard, collapsing bonelessly against Sebastian, fingernails scratching at his back as his arms went limp. Sebastian came inside Kurt just moments later, a deep almost animal-like groan escaping lips. Kurt could feel him trembling - he took one of his hands away from Kurt's waist and set it down on the bed, propping both his and Kurt's weight up as they came down from their mutual high.

He couldn't remember the last time he'd felt that good after sex - probably never, now that he thought about it. And judging by the look on Sebastian's face, he was feeling the same way. It was odd - even though Sebastian started off the evening a complete asshole, somehow Kurt was happy seeing that he'd been able to please him. He decided not to dwell on it - the thought was starting to scare him.

They said nothing for several moments, just sitting together on the sheets as one sweaty, panting, tangled heap of limbs.

Then finally Sebastian gave a shaky laugh. "Fuck."

Kurt turned his head and smiled hesitantly against Sebastian's neck. "That was..."

"Yeah."

They let silence fall for another few minutes, Sebastian's lips softly brushing against Kurt's temple. He almost told Sebastian to stop - forehead kisses were, again, far too sacred - but he didn't want to ruin the moment. Thankfully it didn't last long. Sebastian chose then to speak. "I could take a smoke."

"Make that two," Kurt replied, yawning, and he climbed off Sebastian's softening cock and rolled over to lie on his stomach, pulling the sheets up to the small of his back for warmth.

He took a moment to enjoy the view as Sebastian bent over to rummage through the nightstand drawer before pulling out a fresh pack of cigarettes and a lighter. Sebastian sat up, his back to the headboard, and made quick work of packing the cigarette box on the heel of his hand. He pulled out two and stuck them both in his mouth, sucking at the ends as he lit up.

The lighter went back in the nightstand and Sebastian gave one of the cigarettes to Kurt, who thanked him quietly and took a deep draw. He closed his eyes, relishing in the familiar burn of smoke as it hit the back of his throat and trailed down to his lungs for a moment before he breathed it back out. Hm. Pleasant.

"I like this," Kurt said, and Sebastian looked at him, eyebrow raised. "Very smooth. It smells good - like vanilla, almost. And I don't feel like I'm going to cough up both of my lungs when I take it in."

"That's because you've been smoking those disgusting luckies for so long that you got used to the shit taste," Sebastian smirked at him. "These're made to be a lot milder."

Kurt rolled his eyes. If nothing else, he'd learned one thing today - Sebastian was only capable of being a decent person when having sex. Any other time - forget it. "You said earlier that you used to work in the violent crime unit," he said, changing the subject and propping himself up on his elbows. "What about now? Organized crime?"

"Yup. Finally got switched over."

"You make it sound like you've been working for them forever."

"Sometimes it feels like it."

That was something Kurt could relate to - being stuck, literally trapped - in a job he didn't particularly care for. He took another drag, breathing in and letting the smoke warm his chest. "I know what that's like."

Sebastian shrugged. "You're only twenty one, right? You got time."

Kurt raised an eyebrow at Sebastian's tone - he sounded so jaded, and he looked so tired, but he probably wasn't even thirty yet. Must have been the result of becoming a government slave. He leaned over Sebastian's lap to tap his cigarette ashes into the bronze tray on the nightstand. "If this wasn't what you planned on doing, what _did_ you want to be when you were growing up?"

"Me? I wanted to be a fly boy. I was just a little brat when I heard about the Flyer. And look how far the design's come - look what people are doing with it. I could be doing what Lindbergh's doing." Sebastian shrugged. "But life doesn't work out like that."

The story sounded eerily familiar. It was depressing. Kurt frowned, taking small puffs from the cigarette.

"So how about you, Porcelain?"

"What?"

"What would you rather be doing?"

Kurt shifted, his arm beginning to numb. He paused. "You're going to laugh."

"Am I laughing?"

"No, but you will be. I think."

"I just told you that I wanted to fly a goddamn plane, and instead I'm Uncle Sam's whipping boy. Your story can't be any sadder than that."

Kurt smiled wryly. "Fine." He brought the cigarette to his lips. "I want to go to Hollywood."

He glanced at Sebastian, who said nothing, but his eyes held a glint of curiosity. "When I'm not working, I'll go to the cinemas. I see Buster and Clara in the pictures and I think - they've got it all. Money, glamour, fame. They're stars. That's got to be a better life than this."

Sebastian's smile was so small that Kurt almost missed it, but it was there. "Sounds good to me." He paused for a moment.

"You're young, you know that?" He said quietly, taking a draw. His eyes stared right into Kurt's, a strange tenderness to them. "Real young."

Kurt wasn't sure what he meant by that. He probably never would. Instead of replying, he simply met Sebastian's gaze as best as he could, his insides twisting. Somehow he felt more vulnerable now than he did ten minutes ago, naked and sweating and flushed on Sebastian's lap.

Then he looked away and Kurt fought the urge to sigh in relief.

"Well, since we're in the confessional now, I've got a few more things I want to say," Sebastian put out his cigarette in the bronze ashtray, his face solemn as he turned back to Kurt. "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been - well... never - since my last confession."

Kurt rolled his eyes. "Are you always such a - nevermind, don't answer that. So what else do you have to confess?"

"I lied."

When Kurt raised an eyebrow, Sebastian continued. "When I said that I'd been thinking about you since last night - that was a lie. It's been more like a month."

Kurt leaned over to put his cigarette in the ashtray. "Really."

"First time I went to the speakeasy was December first. You were tending bar as usual. I saw you - wanted to know your story. The coat girl - San - said you don't take too well to people wanting to know your business."

"Smart girl."

Sebastian chuckled. "So I watched you these past three weeks. I've see the way you talk to your patrons, the way you talk back to the owner. Habits you slip into when you think no one's watching."

"Then why did you only come to me last night? Three weeks to watch a person seems excessive."

"What can I say, I'm a shy guy."

"You're full of shit," Kurt said dryly, but sensing that he wasn't going to get a real answer out of Sebastian, he let it go. Instead he tried, "Why me?"

But Sebastian said nothing, he just stared at Kurt with that strange half-smile on his face.

Kurt huffed indignantly and lay his head down. If Sebastian wasn't going to answer his questions then he might as well catch up on some much-needed rest.

The silence that followed was heavenly, and now that he was lying completely still, the exhaustion began to pull him under. He was drifting, drifting, nearly to dreamland when Sebastian spoke again.

"You remind me of why I used to love this town, is all."

Kurt's eyes opened half-way at the feeling of fingers threading through his hair. Sebastian was looking down at him with the softest eyes he had ever seen - he probably wasn't even aware of how gentle he looked.

So different from the asshole of the early evening with the arrogant come-ons.

He gave Sebastian a sleepy smile. "You know, you're not as horrible as I thought."

Sebastian laughed. "That's real nice of you."

He couldn't bring himself to say anything in return - the adrenaline high was gone and he was exhausted, his body spent and his mind fatigued. No point fighting it anymore - he closed his eyes and once again felt himself floating into slumber.

But not before Sebastian turned off the lamp and slid down the bed, wrapping an arm around Kurt and pulling him close.

"Sweet dreams, doll," was the last thing Kurt heard.

Then finally, he succumbed to sleep.


End file.
